3 Steps For Ending Mom Guilt Now

Let's talk about guilt!

This topic is important because I think as mothers, guilt comes frequently. Many of us battle with guilt that arises when we want to do stuff or make certain decisions, and the unfortunate part is that the guilt keeps us from moving forward, it keeps us from doing the things that we want to do, it keeps us from taking care of ourselves, it keeps us from pursuing our dreams or our passions, it keeps us from leaping. Guilt really keeps you from living to our full extent. So that's why we want to get rid of the guilt, or at least learn how to manage it. 

But let me backtrack, because there will be moments when you cannot necessarily get rid of your guilt because there's not necessarily a cure for guilt that you feel in motherhood. But there are steps that you can take to manage your guilt, to be in control of your guilt, and to gradually feel as if the guilt weighs less and less. And THAT is exactly what I want to talk about and share with you today. 

When we think about guilt, a lot of times we feel like the guilt itself is the problem. We feel the guilt, and we're like ‘oh, here it goes again.’ Then we don't really know what to do with it and in the end the guilt does seem like it is the problem. It's like the guilt in and of itself is the problem. But I want to change your perspective on that a little bit. 

The guilt is not necessarily the problem. It's what you do after feeling the guilt. That is the problem. 

Scenario number one. Let's pretend that you have kids and you decide that you want to take a mommy weekend with some of your friends. Go to a vineyard, go to a spa or brunch. Whatever you want to do, you want to just go do something with your friends. Of course, what happens, as soon as you decide, mom guilt comes, and the mom guilt will tell you ‘Hey, if you do that, your daughter's going to miss you…If you do that, what if something happens to your son? If you do that, this is gonna put a strain on your partner because they have to be here by themselves. If you go do that, what about your breast milk? Are you going to pump all ahead of time?’

 And you could probably tell that these are examples from my own brain because I too experience mom guilt. So I am experiencing guilt in that moment in the first scenario. And what ends up happening is that one might say, ‘You know what, you're right guilt. You're right. You're absolutely right - my daughter will miss me or something could happen to my son. My partner is going to feel stressed out. I've got to stay here.’

 And then boom, we're done. You feel the guilt, you make the decision that the thing you wanted to do is probably not the best because all these things could happen. And you don’t go anymore.

“Yes, the guilt might be present, but the process of managing guilt is taking it with you, carrying it on along for the ride and do it anyway because over time, the guilt will fade into the background.”

But let's look at another scenario. You decide you want to go hang out with your friends. You want to go to the vineyard, you want to go to brunch, you want to go get your nails done. You want to go do whatever. You want to go do something for yourself. And then here comes mom guilt. ‘Hey, girl, if you go do that thing, guess what, your daughter's going to miss you, something could happen to your son because you know, he's super active and it takes two people to watch him. Your partner is going to be stressed out. Do you really want that?’ Mom guilt. That is what mom guilt says. So of course in Scenario number two, I start to feel guilty. But the difference in this scenario is that I say to myself, ‘Yes, my daughter might miss me. Yes, something could happen to my son. But the likelihood is that it won't. Yes, my partner might be stressed out, but that is Parenthood, and he will survive. I am still going to go do that thing that I want to do and everything will be well. And if it makes me feel better, I'll prepare before I leave. I will make sure everybody's got what they need before I go, and then I'm out.

Those are two scenarios, and what you will realize is that both of those scenarios have guilt in them. The same type of guilt, the same thoughts associated with the guilt, the same feelings that the guilt can bring. But the difference in the scenarios is what happened after the guilt. In the first scenario that Mama gave into the guilt. ‘You know what guilt? You're right. Let me let me stay my ass home. I'm not going to do that. That was stupid. 

In the second scenario, Mama was like, ‘Yeah, guilt is here. I recognize the guilt is here. You know what, let me talk back to this guilt. Let me challenge it a little bit. And then I'm going to proceed with the thing that I wanted to do, because I know that this guilt is trying to lead me to believe that I'm doing something wrong, and I'm not. 

The key to managing guilt is really what you do after the guilt. And too many of us give in to the guilt. I want you to understand that we can manage guilt fairly quickly. It doesn't have to be something that you have to battle and endure for years and years. It really just requires three steps for you to really conquer it and feel that you can be in control of this guilt. I can walk in this guilt, and it can walk right along with me and I can still go do the things that are good for me, I can still go do the things that bring me joy. And guilt can come right on along with me, but guilt is not going to be the driver in the seat. Guilt is not going to be the one making the decisions for me. I'm making my own decisions. I love talking about mom guilt with mamas in the Empower Wellness Program. I like to talk about it with my friends and just anybody who will listen, because guilt keeps us stuck and keeps us from moving forward. It keeps us from living far too often. And it does not have to. 

There are three steps to conquering mom guilt. 

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Step number one is recognizing that the guilt is happening. When you feel guilt, stop, take a moment, and say to yourself, ‘This is guilt. I recognize this, this is guilt. This is guilt. And I know it's guilt, because the thoughts that are going in my head are telling me that I'm doing something wrong. I know this is guilt, because I get this feeling in like my stomach or my chest that doesn’t feel good.’  Whatever guilt feels like for you, I want you to just take a moment to stop and recognize it - and that is the first step. That first step is so simple, but it's so important because often what can happen is if we don't take a moment to pause and recognize that guilt is happening, we are not aware of it. And we just assumed that we're making decisions for the good of the family or making decisions that are best for us when it’s the guilt making the decisions for you.

Step number two really requires that you challenge the guilt. Talk back to the guilt about the thoughts that you're having regarding the thing that you want to do. Let's go back to the scenario that we just created. In that scenario, guilt was telling you all the negatives that may come from you taking time for yourself. What are you going to say back to it? I want you to talk out loud. What are you going to say back to the guilt that is telling you that you can’t go out, you can’t leave your kids for a day, you can’t go to a spa. Imagine that it's a person. Imagine that it's a person trying to talk you out of doing the thing that you really want to do. It comes to you, it whispers in your ear and says, ‘but your daughter's going to miss you.’ What are you going to say back? This is important, because in the moment, when the guilt is happening, things can happen very fast. But we're taking a moment to pause and really think about what would I say back to someone who's trying to convince me otherwise? 

For me, if guilt was whispering in my ear and saying I cant go because my daughter is going to miss me, I will probably say, ‘Okay, and I'd be missing her too, and I still love her, and then she's going to see me when I get back.’

Or the other one that comes up for a lot of us, for those of us who are partnered or have someone in the home, our guilt often tells us, ‘If you leave, your partner is going to be stressed out.’ He or she is going to be overwhelmed if you leave the house. For me, because y'all know how I am, I might say back, okay, and I be stressed out too! Yeah, we have moments when we are stressed, sometimes we're overwhelmed, but that's parenthood.

 Guilt will convince you that you are doing something wrong - and you are not. 

I'm going to recap. Step one, recognize that the guilt is happening. Step two, challenge and talk back to the guilt. Again, this is important, because if we don't challenge the guilt, if we don't talk back to it, if we don't critically analyze the information that the guilt is trying to feed us - we will just go with it. Step three - and I want you all to pay attention, because step three is the step that most mamas don't get to, and therefore the guilt continues to grow and build and it feels like years of dealing with guilt. 

Step three is that you've got to go do the thing that you want it to do - despite the guilt. That's it. That's it, you've got to go do the thing. But unfortunately, most of us don't get to that point. We stop before we get to that point because we've let the guilt make the decision for us. But take the guilt with you to the vineyard. Take it with you. Take the guilt with you to the nail salon, take the guilt with you to brunch or whatever it is you want to do. This is important because what happens in the process of doing the activity with the guilt, you start to realize that guilt does not have to stop you, and you start to learn that guilt can be a passenger instead of a driver in the seat. Guilt can come with you. And over time, the more that you carry the guilt with you, yet still just go do what you wanted to anyways, the guilt will weigh less and less. And then over time, you won't even realize that it's there, because it's no longer so powerful. Yes, the guilt might be present, but the process of managing guilt is taking it with you, carrying it on along for the ride and do it anyway because over time, the guilt will fade into the background. That’s it, those are the tree steps. Many people assume that this is a much bigger process than it is because we allow those feelings and most thoughts to take over. And feelings can be very powerful in the moment. They can be consuming, but we can feel those feelings and still go do the thing that we know is good for us, and that we know that will bring us joy and will make us happy and bring us closer to more balance and more wellness. 

So Mamas, I hope that this was helpful in getting you to finally conquer your guilt because again, the guilt will be there. But it does not have to be the driver in the seat. It doesn't have to make your decisions. I want YOU to make your decisions and I want you to go feel good. I want you to do the things that will bring you joy, even if guilt must come along for the ride every now and then.

Hi there! I’m Dr. Amber Thornton.

I’m a Clinical Psychologist, Motherhood Wellness Consultant, wife, and mama to 2 amazing little ones.

My mission is simple: to help working mothers balance work, motherhood, and wellness. I want to completely change the narrative of what is possible for working mothers.

Learn more about how we can work together!