Breaking Out of The Boxes of Motherhood
Nicole Johnson currently resides in the DC Metro area, where she spends her time being a mother, wife and attorney.
Nicole has been a part of the Balanced Working Mama community for some time now, and in this interview, she goes into depth on just how much becoming a mother has changed her - mentally and physically – and how the Empower Wellness Program has contributed to her wellness.
Q: How is motherhood, overall, going for you right now?
Johnson: Right now, I feel like I'm in a nice comfy spot where I finally feel I'm able to trust myself, and I know what I'm doing. But honestly, I just got here after working with Dr. Amber and doing the Empower Wellness Program.
Q: What does Balanced Working Mama mean to you and how has Balanced Working Mama impacted your life?
Johnson: Balanced Working Mama, to me means that I am able to identify myself outside of my role as a mother and also incorporate my role as a mother into the total being of who I am…and I couldn't do that before. It felt like I had to be either or. I had to be Nikki pre-baby, or I had to be Marley's Mama. And I just couldn't find the common ground in between the two. Since working with Dr. Amber, I've been able to identify or describe the way that I want my life to look and the way that I want to feel. And she has helped me create a roadmap of how to get there. I'm better able to prioritize all the things that matter to me and not feel guilty about taking time away from my kid.
So all of myself - the working person, the black mom, the married woman; it was all of me in these five different women that I was talking to every week. And that was a turning point for me to know that I'm not alone. This is okay. These are totally normal and valid feelings. That was a huge fight for me.
Q: What have been some struggles or challenges you've experienced so far in your motherhood journey?
Johnson: My entire life is completely flipped because of motherhood. And not because having a kid is such a big deal, but because like physically, everything changed for me so much. My pregnancy complications during delivery, that ultimately resulted in me being in pain for like, three years after childbirth, like constant everyday pain. And prior to that I had never been sick. I've never had any major illnesses. So, I went from being totally healthy and perfectly fine to wearing adult diapers for almost a year after giving birth, to being That took a toll one on my physical health and my mental health. And I just couldn't be myself. I didn't know how to be myself. And I didn't know what that meant. And since working with Dr. Amber, I'm able to figure out who that person is and incorporate all these new changes in a way that is healthy and better for me.
Nicole Johnson and her 3-year-old daughter.
Q: What are some things you've actively worked on, changed or transformed as you've moved forward in your motherhood?
Johnson: The biggest thing would be being realistic about my expectations for everything. Things like how much time a specific task is going to take, and my own energy levels - making sure that I'm taking time to rest because I was still giving myself the same expectations that I had from before I had a kid. Before I was literally responsible for the life of someone else. I never really transitioned from that. I was setting these same goals and having the same expectations for how I would meet them, without taking into consideration all the other things that were draining my time and energy. Then in-turn that was making me feel bad because I felt like I wasn't productive. Adjusting expectations has helped tremendously.
Making time for myself has been another big thing. Outside of the regular stuff - like taking a bath, that is not self-care, that's something you have to do – but instead saying ‘Oh, I'm going to take these 15 minutes and just do something that makes me happy.’ I started implementing some true self care practices. And I'm also getting better at telling my spouse what I need, instead of just doing everything myself for no reason. But actually allowing him to come in and help.
And the other biggest one for me is adjusting to this pandemic – parenting wise. Because it's totally different. It is not what I signed up for, I don't have any support that I had before. Things like daycare and having a housekeeper come in was something that helped our family function. Going out to eat a couple times a week, so I didn't have to cook or clean up. Those are things that helped us function. And we're just 24/7 parenting and working now. But Dr. Amber has helped me to figure out a way to kind of juggle all of these balls in the midst of this…this new life you know? And these new rules and all the anxiety and stress that comes along with it.
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Q: What's the biggest lesson you've learned, or what has stood out to you the most as you've worked to redefine your motherhood journey?
Johnson: I think the biggest lesson has been recognizing that I am not alone. I think that I put myself in a box or I created these boxes of motherhood. There's like that stay-at-home mom, single mom, or working parent, and I put myself in a box. And I didn't need to. And I’m realizing that some of the self-goals that I have, go with each of those different boxes. And so, I couldn't…I didn't see myself anywhere. Anybody like me that was trying to kind of do all those different things or play all those different roles. But when I participated in the Empower Wellness Program, there were at least five other women who I completely identify with, who had the exact same issues. Like week to week, we're making our list and we're talking about these things, and we're all dealing with the same thing. And it was just the first time that I was seeing myself in somebody else.
So all of myself - the working person, the black mom, the married woman; it was all of me in these five different women that I was talking to every week. And that was a turning point for me to know that I'm not alone. This is okay. These are totally normal and valid feelings. That was a huge fight for me.
Q: Has community played a role in how you navigate motherhood right now? And if so, how?
Johnson: Absolutely. I felt very isolated in my motherhood journey, mostly because the way that I parent. The way my life has changed since becoming a parent is very different from my friends and the way that they parent. We're still great friends! We still have that connection. But I was really yearning for another parent who just got where I was coming from. And I was able to find that through the Empower wellness program. Dr. Amber even helped me make the discovery that I had these online friends… but I just didn't consider them friends because they were on social media. But these are also people I've been direct messaging for like three years, every day. And we didn't consider each other friends because it was over social media. So just having a voice to say ‘not that's your friend, go ahead and chat it up.’ That lifted a ton of weight off of my shoulders, and I immediately did not feel isolated anymore.
Q: What words of encouragement, wisdom or helpful advice would you pass on to another mom who may be struggling right now?
Johnson: Talk to Dr. Amber, number one.
But even if it's not Dr. Amber, I would say find somebody that you can talk to. A professional! Not just your girlfriend or your spouse, but definitely a professional who's going to be able to look at some of what you're experiencing and tell you ‘Hey girl, this is a red flag. I think you might need to explore talking to somebody further or digging deeper into this.’ But also, just having somebody who's a neutral third party is huge, because I would never tell my five best friends that I feel lonely and isolated, because their feelings may be hurt. But I could tell that to Dr. Amber.
Maybe just prioritizing your needs, because having your needs met make you a better parent. The relationship I have with my child and our interactions have changed tremendously since I started working with Dr. Amber. I'm rested, I'm genuinely happy and at peace. I'm in a good space. And my patience is longer, I can tolerate some of the toddler behaviors better. I'm just generally overall in a better mood. And she sees that, and she recognizes that, and she can feel that energy change. So just taking time for yourself makes a difference in the life of your child.
Hi there! I’m Dr. Amber Thornton.
I’m a Clinical Psychologist, Motherhood Wellness Consultant, wife, and mama to 2 amazing little ones.
My mission is simple: to help working mothers balance work, motherhood, and wellness. I want to completely change the narrative of what is possible for working mothers.
Learn more about how we can work together!
