Becoming Intentional About the Life You Want: Marjorie Shavers

Marjorie Shavers is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, and a School Counselor in Ohio - among many other titles. When she is not busy at work, she and her husband are focusing all of their time on their son Mathew, an energetic two-year-old with Down Syndrome. Shavers joined the Balanced Working Mama community with the hopes of working on her time management.

Connect with Marjorie Shavers on Instagram: @drmshavers

Between her very busy work life, her family, and working on her personal wellness, Marjorie Shavers is here to tell you all about her journey with Balanced Working Mama.

Q: How is motherhood, overall, going for you right now?

Shavers: I'd say good! I think when I look at how things are going as far as motherhood for me, I think it just depends on like, an emotional overall wellness perspective. And I think that's going pretty well at the moment. And then sort of, how supported I feel in my role as a mother, whether that be by my husband, or family and different things like that. And I'm feeling very supported. It helps because a lot of my family is now vaccinated, so they're now able to come around a little bit more. So that is really helping. And then it also depends on how my son doing overall, and he's doing well. So, I feel like motherhood is going pretty good right now. Now if you asked me at 7:30, right before bedtime then I might have another answer! But that's the answer right now.

Q: What does Balanced Working Mama mean to you and how has Balanced Working Mama impacted your life?

Shavers: When I decided to sign up, Dr. Amber, and I were actually messaging back and forth, and I was like, ‘This isn't a good time.’ I was just telling her everything I had going on. And as I'm typing this to her, I’m realizing I actually need to figure out a way to find balance. So I just said ‘I'm just going to do it.’

When I signed up, I think the goal was to figure out a way to make my gym workouts more regular and figure out a way to just find time for that. I think what it actually ended up being was a group of women who are supportive and going through a lot of the same things. I still talk to everyone that was in our group, and it started as a place that just kind of bounced mom hacks and life ideas off of. But then it also made me realize that it is possible for me to do this whole working mom thing and it not be so hard.

I actually wasn't regularly working out by the time the program was over, but I felt like I was doing a lot of the other things that I didn't really even have on my radar. I think it took me a little bit more time to arrange my life in a way that made working out regular, but just in general I think it gave me hope.

“I just think overall this there's something that changes when you have a kid. I didn't expect that your heart just wants everything for them. And it's this crushing feeling of making sure they’re okay and happy and being able to have hold space for that but also hold space for myself.”

Q: What have been some struggles or challenges you've experienced so far in your motherhood journey?

Shavers: My son was born at 26 weeks, so that was extremely stressful. There was a lot of trauma throughout the pregnancy. So that in and of itself was really difficult. Then when he finally came home there was all of this anxiety of just wondering if he’s okay and if I can trust other people with him. So for me, I think probably the first year of his life, it was all about Matthew. And it didn't matter when I ate and when I slept. It just didn't matter. Because I felt, even though he was no longer that fragile, I still was sort of in this survival mode. So, I would say that was the first big challenge. I was lucky enough - just because of the work that I do – that when I had him, I was off for maternity leave the first semester, and then we had summer, so I was off for eight months with him and got a longer leave than most.

But when I went back to work, it was just so challenging. I mean, because of his prematurity, we didn't want him in daycare yet because they recommend that you keep him out of daycare for a year. So we're paying for someone to come in to our house to watch him, which was nice… but very expensive. I started to worry. Was he getting what he needs developmentally? Should he be around other kids? And should I be doing more? And then trying to get back into work, at the time, I was still pumping. I luckily had pumps that allowed for a lot more flexibility so I would pump in meetings, and no one would know. But I had been pumping and dumping before I'm presenting at a conference or teaching and that was really difficult. I also just think there's this overwhelming push to be the perfect mom, who’s kid is always impeccably dressed, and his hair is always nice, and what he’s eating because there's so much pressure about organic food and what not. With Matthew's special needs, there's also evidence that shows that the more intervention he gets, the better off he will be. So he has at least one specialist appointment a week. But depending on what time of year we are in, just with all of his different specialists, sometimes I have eight appointments in five days. But I am very lucky that I have a job that is flexible.

I just think overall this there's something that changes when you have a kid. I didn't expect that your heart just wants everything for them. And it's this crushing feeling of making sure they’re okay and happy and being able to have hold space for that but also hold space for myself.

Marjorie Shavers is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, a School Counselor in Ohio, and mama to Matthew, an energetic two-year-old.

Q: What some things you've actively worked on, changed or transformed as you've moved forward in your motherhood?

Shavers: I'd say the thing that I actually ended up working on in Balance Working Mama is time management. For me, I have to do time management once a week, sort of like planning out the week, just making sure we know who's doing what for appointments. But also sort of a daily time management. And that has been really life changing for me. It’s interesting, because I think as a mom, you just do stuff. You don't realize how much energy goes into it and how much you're actually doing. You just do it. And planning out the week helps me understand that some things are actually unrealistic.

If you're going to have a crazy day, then there has to be some plan for the next day so that you can regroup. And I think that has really helped me. I used to be someone who trained for half marathons, and I was very diligent about eating, waking up at four, and running my six miles. But that's just not how motherhood works. So I had to learn. If working out is important to you, you just have to do it at some point. And if you're up all night, because your kid is teething, or he is mad that you turned off Cocoa Melon, then you're not going to be able to get up at five and work out. And that’s okay!

I have to think about what’s realistic for me. There are times where it's really hard. I have a deadline for work and my husband also might have a deadline, so we're literally passing our son back and forth and he's getting way more screen time than we ever thought he would get. But then there are times where we're hanging out as a family and I'm able to be completely present. It's just prioritizing and knowing what my limits are and then trying to be as present when possible. And I think the other thing too is asking for help. Just before the pandemic I had just got to the point where I was like, ‘Okay, I need more help.’ And then the pandemic hit. And I was just like…’Okay, well here we are!’ I got a lot of practice with asking for help.

Want to learn how you can became a Balanced Working Mama?

Q: What's the biggest lesson you've learned, or what has stood out to you the most as you've worked to redefine your motherhood journey?

Shavers: Motherhood can be as wonderful as you make it, but you have to be really intentional. If you want to live the life you want to live, it's not just going to happen. You're going to have to set boundaries, you're going to have to redefine what motherhood looks like to you, you're going to have to push back against stereotypes. But you can live a very full life and be a mother in a way that you can be really proud of.

Q: Has community played a role in how you navigate motherhood right now? And if so, how?

Shavers: Just relying on my community to help out with watching my child or doing something else for me. The moms from Balanced Working Mama are all in different states, but just venting on GroupMe after you've been arguing with your kid is so nice to just have other people who understand how hard it is but are also trying to live motherhood in a way that's different from the norm. I don't want a mom who's like, ‘Well I don't let my kids watch the iPad,’ and ‘you shouldn’t do that.’ Because it's really beneficial that the moms are instead like, ‘Girl, he will be okay!’ I just feel like there's no judgment. And that's really important.

That's actually something that surprised me about motherhood, is that people had so many opinions about everything. Some stuff you just wouldn't know. Like who knew that where the strap on the car seat is so important! But you post the picture and someone’s commenting, ‘Oh you're not doing it the right way!’ Or, ‘You really shouldn't give your kid peanut butter!’ It's just unbelievable. So it's nice to have a group of moms who aren’t judgmental. That's probably the biggest gift from Balance Working Mama is the moms and just how everyone is just so transparent. They're just all just trying to figure it out as well.

Q: What words of encouragement, wisdom or helpful advice would you pass on to another mom who may be struggling right now?

Shavers: Oh, I feel like I'm still a new mom! But my words of advice are that you are uniquely positioned to be the best mom that your kid needs. So trust that having a child in and of itself is a miracle and believe that you get the instincts that you need in order to parent the child that you have. Trust that and embrace that and just know that you're capable.

Hi there! I’m Dr. Amber Thornton.

I’m a Clinical Psychologist, Motherhood Wellness Consultant, wife, and mama to 2 amazing little ones.

My mission is simple: to help working mothers balance work, motherhood, and wellness. I want to completely change the narrative of what is possible for working mothers.

Learn more about how we can work together!