The Key to Balance in Motherhood is Having Bold Boundaries
Hey Mamas!
Today we are going to be talking about bold and firm boundaries, and what I already know to be true is that setting boundaries is very important. But you know, the thing about boundary setting is that our boundaries are completely ineffective if we ourselves are not respecting the boundaries that we set.
What I mean by that is that I notice often, mamas will say, ‘Hey, I'm going to set a boundary here.’ Let's say maybe the example is I'm going to work until 4pm. And then at 4pm, I'm going to shift over to spend time with my family. And then 4pm comes around and maybe a colleague, or a boss says, ‘Well, hey, can you work till 4:30 today, or 5pm today? And then you go back on your boundaries by saying yes, no problem. That is an example of what I mean by not respecting the boundaries that you have set. Let me maybe give a home related example. Let's say that you set a boundary and you say to your family that you are feeling tired, so you’re going to go take a nap for 30 minutes. And then your spouse, your kids or someone in your family is coming to you say, ‘I actually want you to do this, can you do this for me instead?’ Then you decide, okay, maybe my nap can wait a little bit longer. That's you going back on the boundary that you set.
And so those examples are common examples, we often maybe do things that we said we weren't going to do, but we do them anyway for whatever reason, at work, and at home, but what I really want us to get into the habit of doing is respecting the bold and firm boundaries that we have set, and that really begins with us. No one will respect the boundaries that we set if we don't first establish them, if we don't clearly communicate them and if we don't enforce them. So I want to repeat that with the bold and firm boundaries that we decide upon, we first have to actually set them and decide what boundaries need to be set, in all facets of my life, and then we need to communicate them to other people. Because nobody knows the boundaries if we don't tell them. We can't assume that people will just know the boundaries that we've set. We have to communicate where they are. And then lastly, we have to enforce those boundaries. If someone is pushing up against a boundary, again, whether it's someone at your job, someone in your family, even your own children, you have to communicate and reinforce that boundary so that they know that it's there.
So you might be wondering, okay, in what areas of my life should I be thinking about boundaries? Well, you should be thinking about boundaries in all areas of your life. Every single one. Every single area of your life needs boundaries. And so, again, we're thinking about work. We're thinking about boundaries with your children. We're thinking about boundaries in your family. We're thinking about boundaries in your home. Overall, we're thinking about boundaries with your friends, we're thinking about boundaries with your colleagues, we're thinking about boundaries with yourself. We're thinking about boundaries with things that are not even people.
Maybe boundaries with social media, boundaries with the news, boundaries with eating. So many different things. There are a number of places where we can establish firm and bold boundaries, and that's what we want to be able to do. So I also want to spend some time talking about what it actually means to have a bold boundary and also a firm boundary. So I feel like I've really been emphasizing the firm piece. When you think of something that is firm, it is unyielding, it is not easily moved, it is there.
You can't push back on it too much because it's firm, it's strong. Our boundaries really need to be very firm, very strong, not something that someone else can easily push back on but also not something that you can easily push back on. We need our boundaries to be free. But also, we want to challenge ourselves to have our boundaries be bold. I think as working mothers, we often prioritize the needs of other people over ourselves, and I want us to get out of the habit of that. And what that might look like is making sure that the boundaries are bold. With bold boundaries, that means that you might upset someone with your boundaries, but you should still set them anyways. You know, bold boundaries, might not please other people, but we have to do it anyways. Because we are no longer prioritizing people, we are prioritizing the needs of ourselves.
“Learn to say NO. I notice it's a hard word. As working mothers, we have a tendency or a desire to please other people. And that leads us to neglect and dismiss the boundaries that we have set for ourselves. There's this implication that other people's needs, wants and desires are far more important than our own. And with that, we have to really start practicing what it means and what it feels like to say no to something.”
And that requires bold and firm boundaries. They need to be unapologetic; they need to be full of audacity, we need our boundaries to be bold, and we need our boundaries to be firm, unyielding, steady, strong, not easily moved. Now, are you ready to get three tips for starting to respect the boundaries that you've set?
How are we going to make sure that you are respecting those boundaries? Because again, in my work with mothers, I see that we CAN figure out where the boundaries need to be. We can set the boundaries and we can even communicate them. It is possible.
But that reinforcing and enforcement of the boundaries is sometimes the hard part. And again, I think it's because we don't want to upset people. We don't want to offend people, or that guilt creeps in and tells us that, ‘Hey, maybe your boundaries are too bold. Maybe it's too far, maybe you should lighten it up.’ But no, we're not going to listen to those, we're not going to listen to that guilt, we're not going to listen to those doubts. We are going to feel okay with possibly offending and making people upset, because sometimes that is important for you to become a Balanced Working Mama.
Photo by Larry Crayton on Unsplash
The first tip for starting to respecting your set boundaries is that you need to learn to trust yourself. When I say trust yourself, I mean that you know better than anyone else about what you need, and what your desires are and who you are. You have to trust and believe that what you feel you need, is what's best for you. And no one else can tell you what your boundaries should be or where your boundaries lie. You know the answer to that. So when you hear a voice inside of you, whether it's your intuition, your thoughts or your feelings saying, ‘Hey, I probably need to set a boundary here,’ make sure to believe it. You must trust yourself. Too often we look to others to validate our needs, our wants, our values, or even where we should put our boundaries. But other people don't have the answers for us. I need you to trust yourself and trust that when you feel like a boundary needs to be put in place, you should believe that.
I actually have a reflection question for you. I would like for you to take a moment, and think about what ways you are NOT respecting your own boundaries? I want you all to share your answers with me please! I love engaging with this stuff. Explain it to me.
Tip number two is to truly respect the boundaries that you've set. You have to believe that you are important. You have to internalize those needs, wants, desires and feelings that let you know that you matter. You are just as important as anybody else. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be acknowledged. And this is important because we tend to prioritize the things that we deem to be worthy. We tend to prioritize the things that we deem to be important. We set boundaries and protection around the things that are important to us. Let's say for instance, your grandmother gives you this super old necklace that has been in the family for generations. She’s passing it to you and says it's important, she needs you to keep it. What are you going to do? You are going to guard that thing with your life, you are going to make sure that you take care of it, you're going to make sure that you never take it off, and if you do, you put it somewhere safe. You're going to put boundaries around it so nobody would break it or nobody gets to it is because you know that it is so important.
Want to learn how you can became a Balanced Working Mama?
We need to do the same thing with ourselves, you are just as important and just as worthy of your needs, your wants, your desires, your feelings. They are just as important as anybody else's. When you believe that you are important, you are more likely to set bold and firm boundaries. Prioritizing yourself or believing that you are important, or that you matter can be hard efforts, because you might not always believe it. It takes practice to really internalize that mindset and that self-value. For those of you who are struggling because you don't believe it, but you want to do the actions to make it, I encourage you for right now to completely ignore your negative feelings and your negative thoughts, because those aren't telling you the truth. Instead, do the things that prioritize your needs. For instance, if I'm struggling with self-doubt around whether I truly matter, my self doubt might be high today, it might be telling me I don't matter. Telling me to prioritize everybody else over myself. But my actions are going to say otherwise, because I'm going to make a decision to prioritize myself in some way, shape or form today. So your thoughts and your actions might not always align, and that's okay! But over the course of time, they will start to get on the same page. So, again, tip number two was believing you are important, because when you believe you are important, you are more likely to set bold and firm boundaries.
Last tip, number three… learn to say NO. I notice it's a hard word. As working mothers, we have a tendency or a desire to please other people. And that leads us to neglect and dismiss the boundaries that we have set for ourselves. There's this implication that other people's needs, wants and desires are far more important than our own. And with that, we have to really start practicing what it means and what it feels like to say no to something. It's going to be hard. So when you're first practicing this, and you're first starting out, start with the easy no’s. It might be easier to say no to your child asking if he can have a third dessert. But a harder no might be saying no to your boss when he or she is asking you to work overtime. So start off with the easy no’s, the no’s that you might have a little twinge of guilt with but you know you can manage it. Because the more that you start with those easy ones, you'll work up the courage and the strength to be able to be more firm about the bigger no’s So I want you to really work on saying because another beautiful thing about saying no as working mothers is that there is so much on our plates all the time. We are constantly juggling work, motherhood, our own well being. And saying yes to everything -especially when we don’t want to - takes up time and energy. It takes up space that we don't often have. I do have another reflection question for this tip. And I want to know what have you recently said yes to that you really wanted to say no to? Think about that. And let me know. My hope is that this helps you all to establish better firm in bold boundaries, because it is absolutely necessary and I'm excited for you all to work on that.
Hi there! I’m Dr. Amber Thornton.
I’m a Clinical Psychologist, Motherhood Wellness Consultant, wife, and mama to 2 amazing little ones.
My mission is simple: to help working mothers balance work, motherhood, and wellness. I want to completely change the narrative of what is possible for working mothers.
Learn more about how we can work together!
